Eins

My birthday was 3 days ago

And the dance of not-being-able-to-accept-attention began again
Every year is the same.

This year, I recognized my anxiety arise with the thought of being the center of attention. Of being a bother to people. When people say "it is your birthday! let´s go eat whatever you want!" I get this awful feeling that my choice will upset people and I don't want to be that person.

I ran out of money one day before and I started to feel empty because I don´t normally like to be out of money, it makes me feel safe. And the fact of being waiting my birthday to indulge in the things I know I would like to indulge made me spiral to a little bit of a bad mood. I called my mom and she tried to fix things telling everybody around me to not let me pay for anything.

So, next morning, my beautiful gorgeous little baby sister, (the love of my life) was thrown to make my day super special. Asking me to do the things I liked, to eat the things I liked, to even not sleeping a nap just in case I wanted to do something else. I felt so so pressured to make decisions and try to do things that I might not want to do for the sake of being my day.

And that is fucked up.
My day shouldn't feel like that.

Damn you anxiety! 
Damn you, this self-conscious thing I have that makes me not want to be the center of attention.

Damn you.
I feel great. My life feels great. It seems I'm doing things well again.

Damn you, for not being able to let go of your childhood demons.

It happened 15 years ago, for Christ Sake. Let it go