Friday, August 05, 2016


Este post es para recordarme a mi misma no sorprenderme cuando encuentre que una canción de blues (Mississippi Delta, Chess Records, Muddy Watters/Bo Diddley -esque)  que llame a algo deep inside of me. 

Dude, that is your thing. Why do you keep forgetting?

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


My birthday was 3 days ago

And the dance of not-being-able-to-accept-attention began again
Every year is the same.

This year, I recognized my anxiety arise with the thought of being the center of attention. Of being a bother to people. When people say "it is your birthday! let´s go eat whatever you want!" I get this awful feeling that my choice will upset people and I don't want to be that person.

I ran out of money one day before and I started to feel empty because I don´t normally like to be out of money, it makes me feel safe. And the fact of being waiting my birthday to indulge in the things I know I would like to indulge made me spiral to a little bit of a bad mood. I called my mom and she tried to fix things telling everybody around me to not let me pay for anything.

So, next morning, my beautiful gorgeous little baby sister, (the love of my life) was thrown to make my day super special. Asking me to do the things I liked, to eat the things I liked, to even not sleeping a nap just in case I wanted to do something else. I felt so so pressured to make decisions and try to do things that I might not want to do for the sake of being my day.

And that is fucked up.
My day shouldn't feel like that.

Damn you anxiety! 
Damn you, this self-conscious thing I have that makes me not want to be the center of attention.

Damn you.
I feel great. My life feels great. It seems I'm doing things well again.

Damn you, for not being able to let go of your childhood demons.

It happened 15 years ago, for Christ Sake. Let it go

Friday, November 06, 2015

Surfing the Warm Industry

I've been adrift on the silver surf
and I've paddled ahead of the fear
that I'd fall behind

I took drinks from the glitter smurfs
and their company dads who never
stood by in the crying

cause no one does and nobody ever will 
there is only space for one
and surely he gets killed
when the engine seizes up

you might call it existential crisis
I simply call it the bravery
of emptiness

its up to you 

Cause im absolutely numb

Thursday, September 17, 2015


Dear Self: 

Practice Reckless Optimism 

Even in the darkest of days.
Remember you are loved.
And you will find happiness again.

Don´t be so hard to yourself.
Life goes on. 

Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel,
 stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself. 
 ------ Sara Henderson  

Thursday, August 27, 2015


Salgo a comer con mi papá ( al que ya acepté como el hombre de mi vida ) y hace las mismas cosas tiernas que nos entretenian cuando teniamos 5 años: gusanitos con la envoltura de popotes.

Uno de esos moemntos que quisiera que duraran por siempre

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Never, never, NEVER say you are happy.

It ruins everything.


Monday, July 27, 2015


Of course I had to screw it all up by saying that life was grand.

I never learn. All my life I ve been hiding my stuff so no one can take it away from me. And it happened again. I miss all of it. Feel so sad

Thursday, July 23, 2015


No es algo nuevo que me guste leer.
Bueno, me gusta mucho mucho mucho leer acerca de música.

Y este particular párrafo me gustó mucho

What was it about returning to Headley Grange that excited you?I knew how we did the drums in the main hall for [the fourth album's] "When the Levee Breaks." And some numbers would come out of thin air, like for example the way "Rock & Roll" did on the fourth album and then on Physical Graffiti, "Trampled Under Foot," which came out of thin air like that, just starting out of a riff. I was basically musically salivating on the way there. I was just looking forward to the whole process of everybody being there and just having a whole run at basically working out whatever material I had had or anyone else might've had

Read more:

The fun they had making the album. 
The feelings they brought to us. 

Thursday, July 09, 2015


Creo que nunca me he sentido asi de tranquila. Nunca nunca nunca.
Ni asi de feliz. A mis 31 años. Bueno, tal vez si era feliz a mi manera en la uni, pero no asi.

The days feel easy.
Everything feels easy. Lovely.

And I'm happy this is not making me crazy. I'm not that bad after all.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015


Fuck Disney Romance.
Books like Pride and Prejudice or Little Women ruined men for us way back before.

Looking at Jo and Laurie´s relationship, Ive realized that is the thing I want. 

Unluckily I never read the second part of it until I was a grown up. So I wasn´t aware that *** spoilers ** Jo declines his marriage proposal to follow her career. And he ends ups marrying her much younger sister. 

Luckily, I already found my Laurie. And just as them, we were perfect for each other right from the very beginning. 

And, as the in the book, we are not meant to be together. Louse May Alcott knows her stuff. 

But I still wish a man like Laurie. Or Darcy. Or Knightley. Or a Mr Rochester. 


Monday, January 05, 2015


Hace poco tuve contacto con mi grupo de la secundaria. Una de esas cosas que facebook hace. Odio facebook. 

Recordé todo el daño que me causaron esos 3 años. Me dolió otra vez. 

Es muy curioso como uno se supone que crece, madura, cambia, mejor dicho, como uno pensaba que lo había hecho y no es cierto. Me di cuenta que ni siquiera puedo ver al edificio sin que me duela. Vivo a dos cuadras y no me gusta pasar por ahí. Y ahora al recordar cosas que no queria recordar me pongo a pensar lo horrible que ha sido mi vida sólo por haber cambiado tantas cosas de mi, por tratar de notarme lo menos posible para no ser objeto de más burlas y abusos. 

Lo peor es recordar e identificar que mi abusador más común era un muchachito chaparrito que muy probablemente era a su vez abusado y que tenia que ir a desquitarse conmigo. [ No necesariamente me hace odiarlo menos o que me duela menos, im too far away in having pity of him ]

Darme cuenta que mis amigas en vez de defenderme siempre se rieron con los demás. Y también que de no ser por mi fuerte crianza católica nunca pude recibir palabras de esperanza porque nunca quise decir nada porque lo "cristiano" a hacer es poner la otra mejilla y sufrir en silencio. 

Como afectó mi carácter y mi forma de relacionarme con las personas. Pfffff.
Como sanar esas heridas?

Thursday, December 18, 2014

I wrote this about a week ago, as a response to a video that questions our relationship with makeup. I loved the result. I know I have talked about my relationship with makeup before but I would like to keep this a war chant, sort of speak.

To me, makeup is a way to express myself. Its a way to be different everyday, if I want to. To let the world know that im different. That im a force to reckon with. Some days it will be the eyes, some days, the lips. Some days I wont wear a thing and it will be fine too. But its fun to have this blank canvas and paint it different everyday, and be able to make mistakes and improve and find a mix and match and gain confidence. It shouldnt be this way, but we know how the world is, and I dont want them to be only looking at my weight or my relationship status or my career. I would like them first of all, to see me and really look at me. 

But the most important of all is that I dont wear makeup for the rest of the world. I wear it for myself. And that is the only reason I need 

Friday, October 31, 2014


You've made a fortune over the years. A lot of people would be living it up, buying houses in Hawaii and the South of France and filling them with Picassos. That's obviously not your thing, so what does your money do for you?

I like to have money to buy books and go to movies and buy music and stuff. To me, the greatest thing in the world is downloading TV shows on iTunes because there are no commercials, and yet if I were a working stiff, I could never afford to do this. But I don't even think about money. I have two amazing things in my life: I'm pain-free and I'm debt-free. Money means I can support my family and still do what I love.

Stephen King. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


When you feel like someone is not being as thankful as you would like, or hoped. or maybe they don´t recognize how valuable you are. Or you feel like they are taking advantage of you, the normal response is feeling bad about it. Being sad, feeling cheated.

You have nothing to feel ashamed of. You were doing nothing wrong. You gave yourself with the best intentions. And if someone fails to live up to it, its on them. The shame should be on them.

And Karma will avenge you.

Monday, September 29, 2014


You cant blame me for clinging to this. Ive never had anything. EVER.

This is as good as Ive got. 

Thursday, September 25, 2014


Me contenté con el mundo.

Resulta que las canciones nuevas se oyen muchísimo mejor en vivo. Nada que ver con el disco. No hay estruendo, y el beat de la batería predomina más. Ahora sólo tengo que configurar el equializador para que le suba al bajo y a la batería y le baje a las guitarras cada vez que quiera oirlo! FML 


Tuesday, September 23, 2014


Hace unos días venia bajando la Rumorosa con mi BFF y para evitar el efecto carretera que me noquea y no me deja ser buena copiloto, me puse a discutir de música con ella. De Interpol para ser exacta.

[[ El disco apenas me llegó hace una semana, y mañana los vemos por tercera ocasión y yo estaba estresada porque no habia podido hacer la tarea... y porque tengo muchos feelings al respecto del disco ]]

También hace unos días uno de mis amigos nos puso de ejercico que dieramos 20 discos favoritos y escoger uno de Interpol me dio problemas por que soy una intensa y es música y asi. So, I had lots of Interpol in my head. 

El nuevo disco me produce CLAUSTROFOBIA. Me siento atrapada, y no necesariamente en un buen sentido. Aprecio la nueva dirección porque los tres integrantes que quedan van a poder poner más de su lado artistico, por decir asi. Es como si naciera una nueva banda de las cenizas de otra. Carlos D era el que manejaba el asunto. El era el jefe. Es feo pero es la verdad. Y parte del encanto de Carlos D era ese ambiente denso que le ponía con el bajo medio desfasado con la guitarra en vez de ir juntas, muy a la Joy Division ( nunca me gustó la comparación pero es fácil de explicar asi ) No necesariamente de llegar a los extremos del disco Interpol ( el cuarto ) que era demasiado denso para navegar tan fácilmente. Pero no llegando a la claridad del Antics o del Turn on the Bright Lights. 

Es un disco corto, las canciones son muy parecidas unas con otras, tienen riffs pegajosos que se repiten mucho a mi parecer, lo que va a causar que sean mas pegajosas, pero no me permiten separarlas en mi cabeza  [[ olvidé decir que normalmente escucho el disco en su totalidad, no sólo una o dos canciones, y en el orden en el que viene, que es la forma en la que el grupo lo acomodó ]] En mi cabeza el disco es una canción larga, de 30 minutos larga. Con una que otra parte que sale del montón. 

Es difícil ser neutral respecto a Interpol porque los viví desde el principio. Desde el primer momento. Y recuerdo con muchísimo cariño su llegada a mi vida. He concluido que el Turn on the Bright Lights es bueno porque es bueno, nadie lo niega, pero parte de su belleza es la nostalgia de haberlo vivido y poner Obstacle 1 y pensar: 

DAAAAMN! I havent heard something like that in a while!!  This is like a whole new world 

Y que el disco fuera simple y sutíl, que las letras fueran tan fucking beautiful ( Leif Erickson es una hermosiiiisima pieza de arte, lyrically speaking ) que fuera triste pero energético, perfecto para un dia nublado, con tantas posibilidades de crecer. El hubiera, que siempre se confunde con perfección. 

Ese disco tiene mis canciones favoritas de la banda, pero en general no es mi disco favorito. Oh el dilema. Tiene altos y bajos, sus altos son mejores que los altos de otros discos, pero no se siente tan bonito en su totalidad como el Our Love To Admire, que no tiene altos tan altos pero el disco en si es bueno todo. Este ultimo es alegre con medida, fuerte pero crea el ambiente denso que asocio en mi cabeza con la banda. sin arrastrarlo a las profundidades como el Interpol. 

[[ he estado escribiendo esto por media hora, escuchando el disco.. podria hacer un review de cada canción pero ... meh ]] 

Como ven, tengo muucho que decir de Interpol. Es una de mis bandas. Y quiero ver a donde van desde aqui. Y los apoyo al 100%  pero me estoy metiendo este disco a golpes y nomás porque Im no deserter. Im not quitting you guys. You have given me so much. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


Tengo 30 años, y hasta hace dos semanas me di cuenta de que tengo problemas con la intimidad. 

Lo que me tiene aturdida en cierta forma, porque tengo fama de contarle toooodo a todo el mundo. Mis pacientes saben tanto de mis enfermedades como yo de ellos. Es una situación rara.

Pero, me he dado cuenta de que con las personas con las que debería tener más intimidad ( parejas sobre todo ) nunca dejé ver mucho de mi misma. O de las cosas que uno le cuenta a sus parejas: sus miedos, problemas, etc etc. 

Siempre pienso ( en esos momentos ) que cualquier cosa que yo pueda decir es aburrida y monótona, y no quiero abrumarlos o aburrirlos. Pero creo que hace daño con el tiempo. ¿Como van a sentirse más close to me, if I dont let them? 

Saber que todo este tiempo yo era de esas personas y no lo sabía

Wednesday, September 03, 2014


Every single time I hear Eleanor Rigby I get this feeling that someday Im going to end up like her.

Every single time. 

Ive had that feeling since I was 12.
We lonely people are hard to understand. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014


The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very own existence is an act of rebellion  

Albert Camus  

Thursday, April 03, 2014


I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm 

To feel connected, enough to step aside and weep like a widow.

To feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain 

To swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human.

Friday, February 21, 2014


Hace 7 días exactos tuve un día horrible. San Valentín, en viernes, sin nada de interacción social. Es una fecha que si de por si me pone mal, en circunstancias adversas me pone peor. Justo un día antes terminé un libro que me devastó totalmente   [ Eleanor & Park ] y todo se acomodó para que yo tuviera una crisis nerviosa. La cuál llegó el domingo.

La ansiedad me estaba asfixiando y como buena mujer en mis treinta, sali corriendo a la heladería más cercana, a comerme mis sentimientos... acompañada de mi iphone y mis audífonos.

Oh man, I had forgotten the feeling.

I had forgotten how awesomely sane I feel when the music is blasting loudly in my ears, while I walk and the cars pass me by.

I´ve missed this so much, I can´t wait to start doing this again, everyday.

I just hope im not that fucking lazy

Friday, February 07, 2014


Sentada en la sala de espera, con los ojos cerrados, y con la orden de no abrirlos hasta nuevo aviso, escucho el mundo pasar.

Personas llegan, se saludan, hablan. De repente tengo tanta curiosidad, como no tenía en mucho tiempo: ¿como serán? Suena a una señora mayor, ¿tendrá cabello canoso? ¿tendrá lipstick? 

Im not ready to not see at all. 

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


Silence feels weird
But maybe it is what I need now.

Life gives you what you need.
A lesson I learned this year actually.

All I know today is that this is gonna be a  smooth sailing  from here on.

[[ see what I did there? ;) ]]

Friday, November 15, 2013

Ciento Cinco

--- When I apply mascara it shows those around me that I care about them. It says, “Hey you. Hey world. I’m going to put this shit on my lashes out of respect for the fact that you get to look at me all day long, and in the same way that I’m wearing my favorite shoes and my coolest jacket, I’m also making my eyelashes look like I stuck my finger in an electrical outlet of awesome.”

Leandra Medine, The Man Repeller 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ciento Cuatro

Pure and simple Lust. That is the thing my friends. THE Thing.

It is not as hopeful as love, but also it is not as lonely. 

Feliz No-Aniversario :) 

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Ciento Tres

The uncertainty of loneliness hit me today while driving.
The hollow came back.

Hadnt feel it in a while. 

Im afraid of ending up like my parents, friendless and at some point bitter, but I cant see another way.
Ive found that im so intolerant I can barely tolerate myself. 

there is nothing to save and I know

Thursday, September 26, 2013


Surprisingly, I still can't deal with Dave Gahan's hips. 
Damn, that man is hot.

Thursday, September 12, 2013


Ain't gonna worry 
Just live till you die 
I wanna drown 
With nowhere to fall into the arms of someone 
There's nothing to save and I know 
You live till you die 

Tuesday, September 03, 2013


Im the Queen of Half Things.

My first kiss was not a kiss.
My first time was not my first time.
My first boyfriend was not my boyfriend. Even now

I just realized this today. And I want it to stop. But I dont know how.
It seems I settle with half of the things I should. Half relationship, half actions.
Like Im so eager of having whatever-it-is that I cant wait for it to become complete.

This is a vice that needs to be eliminated.
That or, I just stop giving importance to this things
The problem is that Im half strong to do it.